Orlando + Kate = OVER

It's true sluts! Those bitches have called it quits. Orlando's such a fag!

Mandy Moore's Clothing Line

Oh yes it's true and it's nasty!

Click it!

Birthday Sluts

Tom Selleck (60)
Andrew Keegan (26)
Sara Gilbert (30)
Heather Graham (35)
Thomas Jane (36)
Edward Burns (37)
Oprah Winfrey (51)

La Lucci got her star on the walk of fame today!

Victoria Beckham: The Songwriter

Although Victoria Beckham is the most beautiful woman in the world, she hasn't had much luck on her solo singing career. She had a few dance hits in the UK, but otherwise she's pretty much a joke in the music industry. Her second album has never seen the light of day, apparently because she doesn't want to work on it anymore! So, Vicky's now taking a new direction. Vicky has decided she would like to try her hand at songwriting for other artists. Vicky has offered to write some songs for Britney, Christina, etc... She told New! Magazine "I would like to have my songs played on the radio, but if they are not being sung by me, at least this way I am still involved." She also went on to say: "I would even do backing vocals if it was someone like Britney Spears." Holy fuck! Wouldn't that be the hottest shit? A fucking bitch that can't sing providing background vocals to another bitch who couldn't sing! Just add Ashlee Simpson to the mix and me thinks we've hit gold!

DO THIS NOW!

Cunts, my best friend in the entire world is in this fucking show. So all you sluts, better run out and get your tickets right FUCKING now!

I love you!

CLICK THIS SHIT NOW!

12 Questions with..... Jesse Murray

We here at the D-List are pleased to announce a thrilling new segment! 12 Questions with... will explore some of the world's most influental and powerful people that you have not heard of yet. These are the movers, the shakers, the behind the scene makers. You're probably familiar with their work, but not their names. I am pleased to finally shed some light on these amazing individuals.

For our first installment, I have chosen one of the country's fastest rising media figures: Jesse Murray. I am not familiar with Jesse's life before he was a hot-shot media darling. He chooses to keep this private. I once heard through a very close friend, Julie Chen, that Jesse was married to a mafia hitman and had to escape after he testified against him in a murder trial. I'm not sure if I can grasp this as a fact, because Julie's a bit of a gossip. So, enough babbling! Here is my conversation with the glamorous, yet refined Jesse Murray:



1.Who is your Television Icon and Why?

My TV icon is Joan Collins. That is the hottest bitch that has ever lived. Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan was the richest slut in the world. Paris Hilton wants to be her! All that bitch used to do was smoke, wear hot clothes, threaten people and sleep with men. The best was when she would slap some stud, then they would fuck her because they were so turned on. Also, the bitch had a little froo froo dog named Rio that almost got smooshed in one of her catfights! Close seconds are Chyna and Susan Lucci.

2. Joan Collins has invited you to a birthday party, but you're so fucking mad at her because she stole your man! In the form of a present, how do you seek revenge?

I'd wrap up the deed to her penthouse, then give it to her. When she opened it, I'd tell her I owned her ass and kick her the fuck out!

3. When you were a little boy growing up, what female icon/actress/model/singer did you pretend to be in private?

Batgirl because that stupid bitch had a hot parakeet named Charlie and a Batcave behind her vanity. Also she never punched anyone, just threw vases and kicked people so she wouldn't break a nail.

4. Let's say I was producing the movie of your life. Who would play you and who would direct?

Morgan Fairchild would play me because I am so fucking beautiful, and Patty Hearst would direct.


5. Who do you think you were in a past life and why?

Some stupid bitch once read my cards and told me I was a mountain person in Maine with like 17 kids and a St. Bernard. I personally think I was a Hollywood Wife that Jackie Collins would fucking write about.

5. What currently is your favorite song to masturbate to?

Twilight in Paris by Jem and the Holograms. It's sophisticated, like all my lovers

6. Ok back to this movie, I'm producing. Who will provide the soundtrack to your life?

Fucking Martika. Only she can understand the pain I've felt!

7. Who do you think is the most beautiful woman alive right this second?

Janice Pennington from the Price is Right.

8. Give me your prediction on the biggest comeback of 2005?

Mindy Cohn.

9. If the cast of The Surreal Life were stranded in a snowy mountain pass for a month in what order would Chyna eat them?

Well Chyna is practical, that's why she became the ninth wonder of the world. She'd eat Adrienne first. That's because Adrienne has no meat on her bones, and its all about rationing. Then she's kill Mini-Me because he's small and compact. Then she'd eat the Da Brat because she's so fucking irritating. Then she'd eat Jane Wiedlin and Markus Schenkenberg. She'd save Peter Brady for last because he's so fucking hot. She'd rape his ass then eat him!


10. Elvie (my chihuahua) and I were both just in a car accident. We both need kidneys to live and unfortunately you are the only match for us in the world. Who do you give your kidney to and why?

I wouldn't give my kidneys to either of you skanks, but if I was forced to I'd give them to Elvie because that whore would help me get hot men. I'd take you out because you are competition!

11. What advice did Jesus give you the last time you prayed?

Swallow!

12. Speaking of Jesus. You're walking down the tunnel of light, these are your last moments on earth, you will never return, what will you remember most?

Your fat ass!

On this night of a thousand stars...

So last night, EmAy (my assistant) and I went to open up our black, cold hearts to those less fortunate than us. We went to some fucking benefit for the Tsunami disaster at that tired club Crobar. Oh...there was magic. Serious magic. The entertainment included the heavily medicated Nancy Sinatra, the always a mess Cyndi Lauper and the queen of she-males Sandra Bernhard. This was a lovely night filled with melodic journeys and tales of the heart. Please read my thrilling and accurate account of last night's happenings:


"Oh no kids, it's me Nancy! Not Amanda Lepore, but Nancy Sinatra!"
NANCY FUCKING SINATRA

This bitch stumbled onstage like a pure (yet frozen) snowflake dancing slowly to the ground. She opened her tightly sewn lips and magic happened, people! This is a legend. We don't see these kind of women anymore outside of Palm Springs. She gave us everything. She showered us with her beauty and vomited her innermost thoughts onstage. She sang mostly songs I don't know. But she did chant Morrissey's "Let Me Kiss You" from her new album which had me at hello. She played a short but sweet set. This lady has class, sophistication and elegance. Oh Nancy, watching you makes me wish it was 1964 and I was an Iowa farm girl with luscious brown locks just getting off the bus to Hollywood with big dreams in my eyes. Nancy you are my everything!


"Ladies and Gentlemen, please witness the amazing Sandra Bernhard trying to grow a penis!"
SANDRA BERNHARD

So a horse gallops onstage and at first I thought I was watching a HS production of "Oklahoma" but it was actually Sandra Bernhard herself! Now she had the longest set. I've never seen her before and I was pleasantly surprised. She sang many covers from the heart. One of my faves and the audience faves was Journey's heart-stopping "Don't Stop Beleiving." Her voice sounds like two squirrels fighting under a blanket, but she does have heart. I'll give her that much.



CYNDI LAUPER
"An Angel sings!"

I don't need to say much about her. She has one of the most powerful voices today. She fucking took my breath away. This bitch is a fucking star!

So let me wrap this shit up, because nobody wants to read this much shit. So, the three ended on a low and high note sharing Cyndi's "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun" and Nancy's "These Boots Are Made For Walking." Both numbers were sinking ships, but these girls are doing it for a good cause. It was a beautiful evening and one that I will never forget...well...I'll remember it till 4pm this afternoon at least!

P.S - Nancy kept fucking taking all these pics with this digi cam! Jesus Christ! I guess she finally stepped into 1999!


"Nancy, you fucking said that those pics you took of my snatch were gonna be the last ones!"

Birthday Sluts

Elijah Wood (24)
Joey Fatone (28)
Mo Rocca (36)
Alan Alda (69)
Sarah McLachlan (37)

PR stunt of the Day:

A year after her Super Bowl wardrobe "malfunction" shocked the world, Janet Jackson is headed to another Super Bowl event.

Gossip Here...Gossip There

Portia's Lesbian Love Gift
Dyke Out Here!

Beyonce's Had It!
Get Your Booty Here!

One Meal A Day for Liz!
Holla!

A Beautiful Friday Morning!

What's the best way to get started on this glorious morning? How about Jesus buttplugs?!

Click Here!

Gitte loses Celebrity Big Brother!

They don't know what they're doing over there! Gitte deserved to win that shit! GODDAMNIT!



Click It!

Girls After My Own Heart!

Mariah carey was lonely for her dog, so she flew the bitch first class from New York for $2,850!
Read that shit!

Jessica loves Jenna
And Here!

Dr. Jennifer

I have received many requests (ok 1) to see more of the illustrious and glamorous Dr. Jennifer! Every Sunday Dr. Jennifer and I attend a church service in Brooklyn. On this day Dr. Jennifer showed up wearing this outfit and proceeded to dance around the church praising God! Thanks to Jesus this image was captured!

*update - At the request of Dr. Jennifer's lawyers, I have been forced to remove this pic and replace it with this one:

The House of Dereon

That bitch Beyonce found some company called the Tarrant Apparel Group to back her new fucking fashion line. The fucking line is a mix of "vintage" and "contemporary" crap. This bitch is crazy! The 35yo singer told The Associated Press "I have pretty broad taste. I've been all over the world — thank God I've had the chance to do that." Her mother, Tina Knowles will help her design the ugliest shit every to hit the planet. Her line is set to drop this fall. Here is a sampling at some of what we can look forward to:


You too can look like a fat army captain!


A perfect ensemble when you need a Blanche Devereaux costume for a Golden Girls party!


Even Kelly can't handle this outfit!


When you want to look like a damned fool at any cost, come to House of Dereon!


This came up when I googled Destiny's Child. This is their best outfit yet!

For All You Badly Drawn Boy Fans!

Beady Beads played a Tsunami Benefit concert in London last week. Here's a link to some hot downloads from the concert. Fuck he makes me weep like Mary-Kate in front of a juicy cheeseburger!

Download this shit!

No captions necessary

Heh

Parker Goes 80s

That bitch Parker Posey and Anorexic Cheater Ethan Hawk open tonight in David Rabe's 80s Los Angeles drama "Hurlyburly." God, I can't stand Ethan. He's so disgusting. Anyway Wallace Shawn is in it as well. It's playing at The Squirrel Theater, NO! The Acorn Theater. So if you wanna see some boney man crawling the stage, go see this shit!

The News

Ewww...Chyna & Markus! DISGUSTING!
Read Story Here!

Baby Spice shares her vibrator with Scary Spice!
Read that shit here!

Martha Judd
Read this!

Moan Tones are fucking hot!
Read It!

Please people, let's band together!

Sluts, I think that it's time that we take things seriously. Reality Television is in fucking danger of becoming extinct. And the reason for this, I hate to say it, but the reason is Paris Hilton's sinking ship of a series "The Simple Life." That shit is so fucking staged that it slaps each and every reality show fan across the face. Do they think we're that fucking stupid. Let's not take it, people! Please, let's work together and get this shit off the air. For the sake of Lori & Bolo, Heidi Klum, Adrianne Curry, Robin from The Apprentice and others...we owe it to them! So please, when Nicole Richie's skanky face and Paris Hilton's skanky ass grace your screen, JUST SAY FUCKING NO!

Signing out!

Happy Birthday Wishes!

We here at the D-List must give our thanks and gratitude every now and then to those special in our lives. Well, my assistant/housekeepeer/confidante is celebrating a very special day today! It is his finally his 22nd birthday. He's been looking forward to this for a while because the number 22 like means something special to him or something. Anyway, Happy Birthday to my favorite asshole in the entire world!

Unfortunately due to a certain molestation trial concerning a certain popstar, we've cut his eyes out for his own protection!

Norelle from ANTM3

Thanks to "Oh No They Didn't", here's some modeling pics of Norelle. I don't care what you sluts think, but I like em!

Norelle

Debbie Does Dallas!

80s Pop twinkie Debbie Gibson has decided to show her cooch for the March issue of "Playboy" magazine. Do you think she shaves it?

Read full story here!

FUCK YOU STAR JONES!

According to Page Six, Jaba the Hut herself has pulled a sickout on the hands that feeds her, "The View." Apparently the bitch is pissed because producers have yanked all the free plugs she wanted to make from "InStyle Celebrity Weddings" special which airs tomorrow. Star, please do us a favor and try to get freebies from TrimSpa or maybe Weight Watchers, the fucking thigh master even!

PR stunt of the Day:

Lynn Anderson, who won a Grammy for "Rose Garden" in 1970, is accused of shoplifting a Harry Potter DVD from a supermarket and then punching a police officer as she was being put into a patrol car.

Miss Jones VS Miss Info: The Tsunami Song

There's this bitch Miss Jones who is a DJ at New York's Hot 97. Well, she's been getting tons of fucking flack because she came up with this parody called "The Tsunami Song." This shit is pretty offensive not because it makes fun of the Tsunami, but because her voice is fucking awful. The fucking argument between her and Miss Info (who happens to be Asian) at the beginning is fucking hot! Listen to this shit, oh and read Miss Jones pathetic apology below.

Listen to this shit!
Sorry kitten's, its been taken down!

Her Pathetic Apology

Stockard's Busted

Los Angeles County has revealed that "West Wing" star Stockard Channing was busted for DUI last month! That shit is hot! The fucking first lady was boozing down the freeway. Apparently her blood alcohol was .12! That bitch was toasted! I just love the thought of old, busty ladies speeding in their El Camino down the 405 crying about how they're no longer hot sluts! Don't worry Stockard, at least Barbara Walters will interview you now!

Full Story Here!

The first black Harijuku Girl!

NIVEA
CLICK HERE!

Kate or Crack? Weigh your options!

READ THIS SHIT!

Google's Video Search - BETA Version

CLICK THIS SHIT!

I AIN'T NO WITCH! HOLLA!

Hollywood's #1 WomanGirl has shot back at Vincent Gallo! Apparently Gallo cast Dunst to be in that piece of shit 'The Brown Bunny' and everything was set. Then at the last minute, Dunst had a gift from God and decided not to do it. Last week Gallo told 'The NY Post' that she was a 'cold, curt, nasty little witch of a brat!' Well Kirsten ain't having that shit and has said that reason why she didn't do the film was because his spunk tasted like chocolate! JUST KIDDING! She didn't say that. She did say she quit because it didn't conform to the SGA Guidelines.

Save it honey, Put it in the "Banks"!

Tyra "Alien" Banks' new talk show has been picked up by 19 markets. I give it 4 weeks top!

Click here for all the juicy details!

MY OSCAR PREDICTIONS: THE REALITY

So the lovely Oscar nominations have dropped this morning...and here below is how I did. The ones I got wrong are in pink. Am I a genius or just an idiot? You decide:

BEST PICTURE
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
HOTEL RWANDA
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS

BEST DIRECTOR
Clint Eastwood, MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Mike Leigh, VERA DRAKE
Marc Forster, FINDING NEVERLAND
Taylor Hackford, RAY
Michael Mann, COLLATERAL
Alexander Payne, SIDEWAYS
Martin Scorcese, THE AVIATOR

BEST ACTOR
Javier Bardem, THE SEA INSIDE
Don Cheadle, HOTEL RWANDA
Johnny Depp, FINDING NEVERLAND
Leonardo DiCaprio, THE AVIATOR
Clint Eastwood, MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Jamie Foxx, RAY
Paul Giamatti, SIDEWAYS

BEST ACTRESS - Bitches I fucking guessed this shit!
Annette Bening, BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandina Moreno, MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Imelda Staunton, VERA DRAKE
Hilary Swank, MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Kate Winslet, ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Alan Alda, THE AVIATOR
Thomas Haden Church, SIDEWAYS
Jamie Foxx, COLLATERAL
Morgan Freeman, MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Clive Owen, CLOSER
Peter Sarsgaard, KINSEY

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS - Sluts I got this category right!
Cate Blanchett, THE AVIATOR
Laura Linney, KINSEY
Virginia Madsen, SIDEWAYS
Sophie Okenedo, HOTEL RWANDA
Natalie Portman, CLOSER

Click here for the full nominations!

MY TOP 10 SLUTS TO WATCH IN 2005!

#10
Eva Green
"This bitch ain't the prettiest on the block, but she's gonna be this year's Diana 'call me Dee-Ann' Krueger. She played that hairy twat slut in 'The Dreamers' last year and this year will be seen opposite Orlando Bloom in 'Kingdom of Heaven.' Certainly not my favorite girl, but I don't pick em - they pick me!"

#9
Kimberly Stewart
"This ho is the daughter of Rod Stewart and WILL be the next Paris Hilton. She's dumb, skinny, rich and can't sing worth shit. She's releasing an album this year and trust me this one's gonna be something to laugh at! Holla!"


#8
Idina Menzel
"Already a Broadway star, this one's gonna hit the big screen big time in 2005. She'll first be seen opposite Salma & Colin in 'Ask the Dust.' Later in the year she'll show up in the eagerly awaited screen version of 'Rent.' Yeah she's old, but she's got some talent and ain't that bad lookin"

#7
Natassia Malthe
"She's set to become the next queen of B-Movie Cinema. She's starting 2005 out by kicking Jenny Garner's ass in 'Elektra' as Typhoid Mary. She follows that up with Rob Zombie's most likely terrible 'The Devil's Highway.' Maybe she will crawl out of the B-Movie grave with her next role in the highy anticipated 'Dead or Alive.' And this bitch is fucking half-Asian!"


#6
Kristine K
"Duh, cause she's my fucking sister!"

#5
Eva Longoria
"So I had to choose a fucking desperate housewife for my list. And well most of those sluts are too old for this shit. Now what creeps me out about Eva is her hair. It just kinda lays there like a towel. It's very strange and I don't understand it. So...technically the end of 2004 was her time but if she's smart she can stretch this shit out for at least 6 more months! She's already lined up a film role opposite Christian Bale in 2006. I'm not sure how much faith I have in her, but someone's gotta be on the cover of FHM."

#4
Melissa George
"Most of you know this bitch as the evil Lauren on 'Alias.' But 2005 has big plans for Georgie. She's already headed to the remake of 'Amytiville Horror.' Later in the year she'll star as Clive Owen's wife in 'Derailed.' Let's hope this Aussie slut gives Nicki Kidman a run for her money!'

#3
Michelle Monaghan
"Nobody's even heard of this girl! She has model looks and comes from Iowa! She was on that trash show 'Boston Public' for a bit and had a small role in 'The Bourne Supremacy' this year. But next year..she's everywhere! Her first is starring with Keanu Reeves & Rachel Weisz in 'Constantine.' She's gonna follow that up with a role opposite Angie Joles & Brad Pitt in 'Mr and Mrs. Smith.' And if all that wasn't good enough she'll end the year opposite George Clooney in 'Syrania.' This ones my wild card and she won't let me down!"

#2
Aishwarya Rai
"She is Bollywood's biggest female star and is slowly making the transition to Hollywood. She was seen in 2004's 'Bride & Prejudice' and has a few other projects in the works. Along with her Bollywood films she has Roland Joffe's 'Singularity' with Brendan Fraser and 'Chaos' with Meryl Streep as her upcoming American films. Julia Robert's called her 'the most beautiful woman in the world.'This bitch is hot and she has morals! She's never even had an on-screen kiss. Well in Hollywood you gotta show your tits & twat, sweetheart!"

#
Sienna Miller
"This bitch is going to be famous the Gwynnie Paltrow way! By banging a leading man and her leading man happens to be Judes himself. She's kinda trashy, but also kinda hot in a Charlize kind of way. In 2005 she'll star opposite Heath Ledger in 'Casanova' and plays Andy Warhol's Edie Sedgwick in 'Factory Girl.' Bitch if you want an Oscar you better gain 20 lbs and play a heroin addict! This one's gonna be a star!

MY OSCAR PREDICTIONS: NOMINATIONS

Since tomorrow is Oscar Nomination day, I have decided to take a crack at guessing the lucky losers in 6 major categories. I better be right or someone's gonna find Nicole Kidman's head at the bottom of the Los Angeles river! Just kidding!!!!

BEST PICTURE
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
HOTEL RWANDA
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
SIDEWAYS

BEST DIRECTOR
Clint Eastwood, MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Marc Forster, FINDING NEVERLAND
Michael Mann, COLLATERAL
Alexander Payne, SIDEWAYS
Martin Scorcese, THE AVIATOR

BEST ACTOR
Javier Bardem, THE SEA INSIDE
Don Cheadle, HOTEL RWANDA
Leonardo DiCaprio, THE AVIATOR
Jamie Foxx, RAY
Paul Giamatti, SIDEWAYS

BEST ACTRESS
Annette Bening, BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandina Moreno, MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Imelda Staunton, VERA DRAKE
Hilary Swank, MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Kate Winslet, ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Thomas Haden Church, SIDEWAYS
Jamie Foxx, COLLATERAL
Morgan Freeman, MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Clive Owen, CLOSER
Peter Sarsgaard, KINSEY

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Cate Blanchett, THE AVIATOR
Laura Linney, KINSEY
Virginia Madsen, SIDEWAYS
Sophie Okenedo, HOTEL RWANDA
Natalie Portman, CLOSER

Nicole gets buggy with it!

Read this shit here!

The Razzie Nominations are here!

I have been waiting for this day for the entire year! Finally it is here and I can breathe a sigh of relief! Let me just say that they got the whole "Catwoman" thing completely wrong! Sharon Stone should get an Oscar nomination not a fucking Razzie! Take a looksee and tell me what you think!

The Golden Rasberry Nominations

Larry Clark Strikes Again!

Degenerate filmaker Larry Clark is currently shooting his new flick "Wassup Rockers" in South Central Los Angeles. He promises this one won't be filled with controversy, but my guess is that Chloe wasn't available to suck more cock for this one. He should've asked Tara Reid. This one's about skateboarders and gangs in South Central. Um...yeah folks, this one's gonna be good.

Clark has also agreed to direct a remake of Neil Jordan's "Mona Lisa". Somebody please tell producers that Larry Clark has ZERO talent!!

The Hootie-Hoo Theater

Hip-hop mogul Sean "P. Diddy" Combs is raising eyebrows with a possible new venture. Combs, who made his Broadway debut last season in A Raisin in the Sun, is looking to add theater owner to his resume. He is considering buying a West End house--either the Lyric, Duchess, Apollo or Garrick, according to The London Times. source: Broadway.com

For all you wannabe actors out there:

Two-dozen dogs living in New York animal shelters got their shot at stardom on Friday with an audition for parts in a new Broadway musical and the chance to live out their days on a farm.

One hound mix and one collie won parts in the upcoming "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," a stage musical of the popular movie to open on Broadway's new Hilton Theater in April.

As part of their prize, the dogs will live on a Connecticut farm owned by the show's handler when the production closes. source: Reuters

BREAKING NEWS!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!

Paige FUCKING Davis is leaving "Trading Spaces"! Those cheapskates over at TLC decided they don't need a host. Why GOD have you done this to us?! Wasn't the Tsunami enough?!! WHY!!!!?????

"No-Name Calling" Week begins at schools!

Why the fuck couldn't we have had this in my fucking school? Because, if we did have this nobody would have anything to say to me!

FRENCH BITCH

Sorry Virginie! Sorry Sophie! Sorry Delphy! But it's French Fry Audrey Tatou that has cracked the "Da Vinci Code" and landed the lead role opposite Tom Hanks. This soon-to-be-turkey will be directed by Ron Howard. They start filmin' this May! Ooof!

MORE TRUMP PHOTOS

"You're eder In or You're Out!"


Jerri Blank aka Katie Couric


"Gold Diggaz Represent!"


Natural Icon "Big Foot" decided to make a rare appearance for his good ole' pal Melania!

PR stunt of the Day:

American actor Christian Slater has escaped a knife attack after a performance of his show in London's West End.

MELANIA TRUMP

The stars were out for what was the wedding of the month, eh week, oh, um..weekend! Yes for what was the wedding of the weekend! Lil' Slovenian orphan Melanie Knauss once dreamed of being a supermodel and marrying one of the world's most ugliest men! And finally her dreams have blossomed into a reality! Can someone tell me, where the fuck Slovenia is?!?

Desperate Measures

According to serious newspaper 'Daily Star Sunday' the Desperate Housewives are demanding more fucking dough! They already make between $45K and $75K an episode. Shouldn't these sluts be fucking grateful! I mean come on! Teri was fucking hawking Radio's and Nicolette was passed out in a ditch somewhere! These sluts should be happy they are even on a network show! I say fucking fire them and replace them with the following:



Susan Mayer (Teri Hatcher) will be replaced by Christina Applegate
Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman) will be replaced by Jenna Elfman
Bree Van De Kamp (Marcia Cross) will be replaced by Laura Leighton
Edie Britt (Nicolette Sheridan) will be replaced by Kylie Travis
Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria) will be replaced by Carmen Elektra

MY TOP 10 FILMS OF 2004!

#10
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy - Adam McKay, dir.
"Ok so this ain't the most intellectual film of the year, but it had two things going for it. Christina and Applegate. It's about time this bitch gets some fucking respect for what she can do on the silver screen! Also, it was kinda dumb but in a good way. What Dodgeball lacked, Anchorman filled!"

#9
Dawn of the Dead - Zack Snyder, dir.
"I know you're thinking..'what kind of godamned list is this?' But I never claimed to be some Siskel & Ebert. This shit was probably the best American horror film of 2004. It was between this shit and 'The Grudge.' But this had more jumpy moments and looked more expensive, which always works for me."

#8
Super Size Me - Morgan Spurlock, dir.
"This shit was just gross. I think it was a pretty weak year for documentaries. And well, when I watch a documentary I want to see something that I can relate to. Not that I can relate to being a cow, but I can relate to the delicious goodness of Mickey D's. So this shit was good and even though it's pretty disgusting, it's worth seeing."

#7
Sideways - Alexander Payne, dir.
"Ok, ok...this shit has brainwashed me. When I first saw this shit, I thought 'Ok, this shit is fine.' But now with all these awards and accolades and what not, this shit has me liking this crap. It's a small little film about wine, gross. Anyway, Sandra Oh is hilarious and Ginnie Madsen is good at squinting her eyes and acting all deep and shit."

#6
Finding Neverland - Marc Forster, dir.
"Yes even my cold, cold heart melted a bit for this tear-jerker! That little boy was so fucking cute! Depp is a little silly and Winslet is basically Rose from Titanic, but still a good one! Oh and someone please tell Radha that she ain't no Samantha Morton!"

#5
We Don't Live Here Anymore - John Curran, dir.
"Because I love adultery and I love Ruffalo! He looks extra hot! Naomi Watts gives us another 'I'm an edgy suburban housewife' performance. And we should all applaud the return (and hopefully exit) of Miss Laura Dern!"


#4
Bad Education - Pedro Almodovar, dir.
"With Twists and turns as well as hot shots, this was a good one. Paulito hasn't been so good lately, but I like this shit! Even though somehow a midget was cast in the lead, this shit was good. Garcia is hot in a mini-me kinda of way, well if you're into that shit!"

#3
Mean Girls - Mark S. Waters, dirc.
"The making of a fucking star! Lohan proved to have a huge rack and a raspy voice in this funny and bitchy cinematic experience! But my fucking applause goes to the lovely and dumb Lacey Chabert. Claudia Salinger is surely grown up now! "

#2
Million Dollar Baby - Clint Eastwood, dir.
"Brandon Teena did good in this tearjerker! I normally don't care for Clint Eastwood, but this flick had me rooting for the underdog. The dark shadows and the hard lines made me feel sad, but also kind of hopeful. Enough of that sentimental shit, Brandon Teena deserves Oscar number 2!"

#1
Closer - Mike Nichols, dir.
"Again, Adultery is my favorite subject and Nat looks so hot in this shit. Finally she grows up and gets with the program. I would've liked to see her show the full monty though. Clives was pretty hot. Jules was bland as usual and Judes needs to get over himself. But I cried and also yearned for more! BRAVA!

God, She's Ghetto!

Eva from ANTM 3

Elektra Bombs!

My poor Jennifer Garner has a flop on her hands. Elektra only brought in under $4 mil for its second week. Sorry Jenny, you got a stinker on your hands. What's even more embarrassing is that Ice Cube beat her ass!



#1 - Are We There Yet? $18.5
#2 - Coach Carter $11
#3 - Meet the Fockers $10.2

MY TOP 10 TV SHOWS OF 2004!

I am pretty much an expert when it comes to the wonderful world of television. So without further fucking delays, here are my Top 10 TV experiences of 2004!

#10
America's Next Top Model 3 - UPN
"Last season, this shit was hot. It kinda has lost its steam and really I'm the only that cares anymore. All of those sluts are ugly and pretty boring. Only Amanda the blind bitch, Cassie the anorexic stripper and Video Ho Eva provided us with some good moments. Tyra better up the ante or I'm tuning out. Yeah right! I'll see it no matter what! xoxoxoxoxoxo"

#9
Survivor: All-Stars & Survivor: Vanuatu - CBS
"Mark Burnett is planning big changes in the next Survivor and he better be right! Survivor All-Stars wasn't so bad with trashy Amba and Rob, but Vanuatu didn't prove so hot. Sure there was the all-dyke alliance and trailer trash Twila, but it still didn't ring my bell. Could this be the beginning of the end? I hope not!"

#8
The Amazing Race 5 - CBS
"All I can say is that Mirna & Chmirna made this a hot summer addiction! This was one of the best seasons yet! Not only did we have those hot bitches but we were given Team Jesus and those dumb twins! Let's hope that All-Stars happens soon so Mirna & Charla can grace our lives yet again!"

#7
Six Feet Under - HBO
"I must say that I was skeptical to start watching this shit. But what finally got me to do it? Mena! Mena is hot in this and yes she's a dyke, but she has bangs. This season was kinda sour, but better than everything else that's out there. Next season is going to be its last and I hope they go out the right way and not the Seinfeld way!"

#6
Alias - ABC
"Sydney Bristow was as hot as ever this season! Too bad Lena Olin wasn't around, but Melissa George was! This season had hot twists and turns and had some Sydney in some hot outfits. This show is hot shit!"

#5
Debbie Travis' Facelift - HGTV
"Yes! I am a fag and I love some home decorating shows. Debbie Travis is like the auntie I have always wanted! She's a bitch and fat, but she makes hot rooms. She doesn't do any work, but takes all the credit! She's my favorite fat Brit on TV!"

#4
Lost - ABC
"JJ Abrams is so fucking smart! Not only did he grace us with the beauty that is Alias, but he brought us some hot fucking TV! Lost is kinda like a new movie each week. The Korean speaking sluts are hot as well as the pregerrs Australian girl! I only hope that it continues to keep our interests. And bring on the dinos already!"

#3
Arrested Development - FOX
"This is some funny shit! Nobody watches this show, but everybody should! They fucking know how to make me laugh. Portia may be a dyke, but she's hot in this shit! Thank God someone is still taking chances!"

#2
Desperate Housewives - ABC
"Teri & Nicolette are breathing a sigh of relief. These sluts can finally pay rent! This was the must-see newcomer of the season. I had high hopes for it and they certainly didn't disappoint. This shit has gazillions of us tuning in every week to see how skinny Teri can get and how tight Nicolette's face can pull. I can't wait to see who dies next!"

#1
The Apprentice 2 - NBC
"This was the hottest show on TV this season! So much better than last season. Who will ever forget Maria and her nervous twitch? Stacy J losing it over an 8-ball? Ivana showing her granny panties to some asshole stockbroker? I certainly won't! I am shaking in my boots for the next one! And just for the record: Robin the Receptionist is the hottest slut on TV!"

Snow Angel!

"Why did Jesus do this to me?" - Elvie Bartholomew, January 22, 2005, 8:03pm

JOHNNY CARSON IS DEAD!

Holy fuck, how much do you want to make a bet that Courtney Love is next?!?!

MY TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2004!

And now begins the top 10 section of this program....
I have chosen my favorites of fucking 2004. I already know I have terrible taste, so I don't give a shit what any of you think!

And be sure to check HOURLY for the rest of my lists and when I say HOURLY, I fucking mean HOURLY!

#10
The Arcade Fire - Funeral
"I usually try and stay away from this kinda shit. I'm not a music in-the-knower and I don't claim to be. But somehow I have been hypnotized by this shit! Listening to them is like traveling down a long snake's hole in anticipation of making new friends with these snake creatures. It's a ride that somehow never wants to stop!"
Hottest Song: Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)

#9
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
"Again, another group that I would most likely throw out my window has captured my senses and taken me along their melodical journey! Franzies (what I like to call them) may not have what it takes to pull out a long career, but they have made me laugh, made me cry and boy have they made me dance! These memories will long live forever!"
Hottest Song: Take Me Out

#8
Norah Jones - Feels Like Home
"Imagine that you are in a sailboat. A cute lil' sailboat gliding along the ocean, any ocean of your choice. There's a soothing wind brushing across your cheek and you look up at the sky and it's this perfect shade of gray, because a storm is coming. So you probably know that you will die. That this storm will take you to Jesus. But at least you have this soothing wind for a while. At least you have that."
Hottest Song: The Long Way Home

#7
Alicia Keys - The Diary of Alicia Keys
"Ally Keys and I have always been on the fence with eachother. Now, I can respect that she has some talent. But it's just those stupid hats that really bother me. Why does she have to wear those stupid godamned hats? That's just silly. Well, she can sing and she has this Prince-like quality about her. Many of you ho's will disagree with me, but she ain't so bad"
Hottest Song: If I Ain't Got You

#6
The Magnetic Fields - i
"What's the number to 911?!? I've been brainwashed! I've been told how to think! This album has been injected into my bloodstream! Let's be serious now, folks...I kinda like this sort of 'let's slit our wrists but drink fanta while we're doing it' vibe. He's gotta nice voice. I'll give him that. "
Hottest Song: It's Only Time

#5
Nancy Sinatra - Nancy Sinatra
"I hope that Nancy is happy. I really do. I haven't really thought about her much until I put this lil' record on the deck and gave her a listen. She's gotta voice like a milk train, but a heart like bulldog in heat. You can tell from the sound of this lil' diddy that she's on the brink..the brink of something. I hope she gets lots of dough from this!"
Hottest Song: Don't Let Him Waste Your Time

#4
Badly Drawn Boy - One Plus One Is One
"Beady Beads (my pet name for him) and I are best friends, this is why he is on this list."
Hottest Song: Four Leaf Clover

#3
Ashlee Simpson - Autobiography
"Half Robot, Half PR Creation..this big nosed, Jay Leno-Chinned songstress has touched our hearts and tickled our bellies with laughter. I personally like her and I personally think that you don't need talent to have a hit album. And furthermore, I don't think that's what we want. What we want is good old-fashioned scandal! And that's exactly what Ash gave us and for that, she deserves our GODDAMNED gratitude!"
Hottest Song: Undiscovered

#2
Gwen Stefani - Love, Angel, Music, Baby
"Not since 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' have the Japanese been exploited so much! But I'm glad someone did! Ok, everyone thought this shit was GOD AWFUL and garbage to their ears..but I don't give a rat's motherfucking ass what people like! It's all about what I think is fucking good! And if this bitch makes me feel like a fucking star walking down the runway, well then somebody did their job! And that someone was Miss Sell Out herself!"
Hottest Song: Cool

#1
The Killers - Hot Fuss
"These sluts barely made it to the number one spot! What did it?! I have no fucking clue, but someone had to have the main title and well after checking my fucking iTunes I've listened to them the most. So boys, thanks to my trusty iTunes you have been honored with the most fucking coveted spot in MUSIC!"
Hottest Song: Mr. Brightside