Dlisted: Suzanne Somers Broadway Debut!

Friday, July 29, 2005

Suzanne Somers Broadway Debut!

OK, last weekend, while that slut Michael K was eating surf n' turf with Markus, my ass was going to see the one-woman, Broadway extravaganza: Suzanne Somers' "The Blonde in the Thunderbird." This thing was a piece of shit! It was so fucking bad, it was almost like high concept, avant garde art!

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It starts out with a montage of pictures of Suzanne on various magazine covers, set to gay house music. Apparently Junior Vasquez was DJ'ing this fucking thing. Then this band busts out with her own fucking theme song ("Our girl Suzy"). Then the bitch comes out wearing a black leotard with sheer pantyhose, and a diamond ankle bracelet! She strutted her ass around and talked about how hot she was for a 58 year old. Then things really get rolling. Suzanne starts talking about her terrible, scarring childhood at the hands of an alcoholic father. Beautiful Suzanne ends up playing a scene of her 6 year old self hiding in a closet, singing "If I only had a brain" in a little girl voice! It was supposed to be poignant but I laughed my ass off!

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The rest of the show has Suzanne running back and forth on the stage. In between her jogging, she reenacts giving birth to her son (the hospital bed is substituted with a La-Z-Boy), recounts how she gave it up to her husband on her first date (they fucked on top of cracked crabs), and talks about practicing for her one line from American Graffiti, all while walking around with a foam Thunderbird around her waste. The bitch then sings a thank you song to George Lucas! You know that he'd be like "Suzanne who?" One of the highlights is when glamorous Suzanne talks about meeting her husband for the first time, and falling in love at first sight. Based on Suzanne's body language, love at first sight means you look like you gotta take a piss, and are trying to hold it in by clamping your legs together!

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The show is capped off by a bizarre scene in which Suzanne stops her monologue on alternative breast cancer treatments in order to start hawking her HSN shit! Her HSN theme song plays and she brings out a cart with all her crap on it! I did clap when she whipped out the Thighmaster, though, because that is one fucking hot invention.

This was seriously the weirdest fucking show I've seen in a long time. I wish it played forever and ever!

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