Dlisted: MY WORST FILMS OF 2004!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

MY WORST FILMS OF 2004!

And now ladies and cunts, here's the turkey part of our program. I've named the best, now it's time for the terribles!

#10
Catwoman - Pitof, dir.
"This doesn't make any sense to me. I myself don't know why I am adding this, cause this shit was fucking hot! This was the return of Sharon Fucking Stone! I could've done without Halle though. She's more like a fucking alley cat than catwoman."

#9
Johnson Family Vacation - Christopher Erskin, dir.
"I can't believe that I actually saw this shit in a fucking movie theater. This was like an ABC Family movie. What happened to the hot Vanessa Williams? Now she just looks kind of crusty and haggard. Solange is pretty disgusting and well overall this movie was just a huge, horrendous nightmare that I wish to forget."

#8
Shall We Dance - Peter Chelsom, dir.
"JLo really thought she was fucking going to win an Oscar for this shit. She fucking downplays everything. She's so fucking demure it's disgusting. Richard Gere just looks like a fag dancing around. Not even Susan Sarandon can save this turkey. Skip this one and rent Dirty Dancing 2 instead!"

#7
Alexander - Oliver Stone, dir.
"I really thought this shit was going to be hot. Angelina Jolie does a disgusting Count Chocula accent and Colin Farrell looks like fucking Sandy Duncan. This shit is overproduced and just plain sour. Rosario Dawson's boobs are just too big. Nobody needs boobs that big onscreen. This makes Troy look like fucking Gone with the Wind."

#6
The Forgotten - Joseph Ruben, dir.
"God this pains me to do this! Everyone knows that Julianne is my light. She is the most beautiful, the most talented and an amazing Revolon spokeswoman. She is my everything and everything is she. But sometimes when you love someone so much, you have to tell them like it is. So Julianne, consider this tough love. Please don't do this to me again!"

#5
The Chronicles of Riddick - David Twohy, dir.
"Vin Diesel is hot and everything, but this honestly had me asleep by minute 12. I have no fucking idea what this shit was about. Only some Dungeons & Dragons nerd could figure out this plot. Judi Dench must've really needed rent money for this piece of crap. Thandie Newton tries to be sexy, but only looks like a wet cat searching for a fish head to chew on. This was more like the chronicles of ridiculous!"

#4
The Stepford Wives - Fran Oz, dir.
"Frank Oz did direct this garbage and it would've been more entertaining if he would've cast Miss Piggy in the lead role. Nicki is so fucking full of herself. She thinks that just cause she's in a picture it will be good. I've got news for you Nicki, this shit sucked and so did you. Bette Midler was awful and looked like a stuffed pidgeon prouncing around in a dingy costume. The only hot shit in this movie was Faith Hill as a fucking robot!"

#3
Saw - James Wan, dir.
"Um...what can I say? I couldn't believe it. I had high hopes for this shit and hoped it would be on my best list. But it just fucking fell apart. What was a good idea simply had too many cooks in the kitchen. It made some money, but it was 100% crap. It wasn't scary. It wasn't gross. It was just silly. Silly like a monkey washing a cat."

#2
Fahrenheit 9/11 - Michael Moore, dir.
"Nobody wants to see a fat, hairy man spewing boring things out of his big, fat mouth and that's exactly what Michael Moore did to me in this peice of propaganda bullshit. He thinks he's like a fucking messiah, but he ain't! Britney provided us with a bright spot, but overall this was a 2-hour 60 Minutes and everyone knows I don't watch the news!"

#1
The Brown Bunny - Vincent Gallo, dir.
"Chloe should win an AVN award for sucking dick and drinking jizz in this arthouse crabcake. Vincent Gallo has a voice like a 6yo girl voice and Chloe can't act her way out of a paper sack. There was so much controversy swirling 'the scene' which turned out to be a major letdown. Even Paris Hilton sucks dick better than Chloe."

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