Dlisted: 12 Questions With....Kevin Townley

Friday, February 18, 2005

12 Questions With....Kevin Townley


Kevin and Elvie Bartholomew!

In this installment of our beloved series 12 Questions With..., we have decided to spend some time with a real up and comer in the theater world. Kevin and I go way back to the days when life was much simpler and people were kinder. But now we are different people and I am America's sweetheart and he is a top billed Broadway star! Speaking of which...Kevin will soon be featured in the soon-to-be NYC hit Shockheaded Peter.

Kevin and I got together one Sunday afternoon in our favorite haunt, Wendy's, for a nice chat about life, love and Christine Baranski. So without further adieu, here is a transcript from that conversation:


1. Let’s get this party started with a real direct question! Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?

According to Eastern thought our job is to recognize the Buddha nature in all things, thereby unlearning the illusory differences between plant and animal, heaven and hell, you and me. So on the contrary,with each illicit encounter I feel I am coming closer to God (if I'm not being too subtle!!!).

2. You have been given the job to direct a big screen remake of the beloved classic "Gone with the Wind." Who would be your choice for
the coveted role of Scarlett O'Hara? Elvie Bartholomew, Dr. Jennifer or Myself?


I would cast Dr. Jennifer -- as a medical professional I know she would have the dedication and sensitivity required to bring Scarlett back to the big screen. While I am not sure what kind of doctor she is, she might in fact know something about birthin' babies, which would add another interesting dynamic to my adaptation of Margaret Mitchell's classic. Also, I have seen her drinking perfume for recreational purposes, so she would be a natural!

3. You are so mad at Smurfette because she ate the last cookie. You decide to choke the bitch. What color would she turn?

What the hell kinda goddamn questions are these?!

4. So NBC has given the greenlight for the sitcom of your life. What do you choose as your theme song?

The theme song to M*A*S*H!

5. So NBC has decided that you can't play yourself in this sitcom of your life. They ask you to choose someone to play you. Who would you choose?

Judy Davis.

6. What is the stupidest question you've been asked while out on a romantic date?

"You are so mad at Smurfette because she ate the last cookie. You decide to choke the bitch. What color would she turn?"

7. If shampoo comes in so many different colors, why does it turn white when you rub it on your head?

Because I got semen on the brain, all right?! Is that what you want to hear?!?! GOD, why do you make me say such GARBAGE?!?!?!

8. Where do you hold your most private thoughts?

Held firmly between my buttocks -- that way they don't slip out! THERE YOU GO AGAIN!!! I'm asking NICELY now!!!!

9. What would you do if you ruled Sierra Leone?

I believe men and women are equal under the laws of holy matrimony! As my bride she would be as free as the day we met! I would insist on a prenup though and ask her to give up her acting career.

10. What do you think should be done to increase Bismark, ND's tourism?

I think we should never underestimate the power of word-of-mouth. A site such as this, with its finger on the cross-cultural concerns of the nation, is an invaluable resource for the local merchants of Bismarck. While Bismarck enjoys tourists all the year round -- savvy travelers who come to ride the historic Fort Lincoln Trolley, the Lewis & Clark Riverboat or visit the Dakota Zoo (take a virtual tour)-- as we all know,increased tourism to North Dakota will help its floundering local economy. If you are not able to make a trip to the Peace Garden State this year, consider giving generously to The Greater North Dakota
Chamber of Commerce New Economy Initiative
. Remember, "Dakota" is the Sioux word for "Friend." Discover the Spirit!

11. Whose toes would you rather suck? Matt Damon's or Patrick Duffy's?

Matt Damon's! I do not pleasure liars and Patrick Duffy LIED TO ME! Whaddaya MEAN JR's death was just a DREAM?!?!?!?! Besides, have you seen the hoofs on that one? Ooof!

12. Star Jones is coming off of a crash diet and she is wreaking havoc on the city! You have hid underneath your bed. You know the end is near, because you can hear her outside eating your neighbors! What is going through your head?

"Okay, so you're mad at Smurfette because she ate the last cookie. You decide to choke the bitch. What color would she turn?"

-Kevin Townley can be seen in Shockheaded Peter this Spring!

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