12 Questions with..... Lahoma
We here at the D-List are pleased to announce a thrilling new segment! 12 Questions with... will explore some of the world's most influential and powerful people that you have not heard of yet. These are the movers, the shakers, the behind the scene makers. You're probably familiar with their work, but not their names. I am pleased to finally shed some light on these amazing individuals.
For our first installment, I have chosen one of the country's fastest rising media figures: Lahoma. I am not familiar with Lahoma's life before he was a hot-shot media darling. He chooses to keep this private. I once heard through a very close friend, Julie Chen, that Jesse was married to a mafia hitman and had to escape after he testified against him in a murder trial. I'm not sure if I can grasp this as a fact, because Julie's a bit of a gossip. So, enough babbling! Here is my conversation with the glamorous, yet refined Lahoma:
1.Who is your Television Icon and Why?
My TV icon is Joan Collins. That is the hottest bitch that has ever lived. Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan was the richest slut in the world. Paris Hilton wants to be her! All that bitch used to do was smoke, wear hot clothes, threaten people and sleep with men. The best was when she would slap some stud, then they would fuck her because they were so turned on. Also, the bitch had a little froo froo dog named Rio that almost got smooshed in one of her catfights! Close seconds are Chyna and Susan Lucci.
2. Joan Collins has invited you to a birthday party, but you're so fucking mad at her because she stole your man! In the form of a present, how do you seek revenge?
I'd wrap up the deed to her penthouse, then give it to her. When she opened it, I'd tell her I owned her ass and kick her the fuck out!
3. When you were a little boy growing up, what female icon/actress/model/singer did you pretend to be in private?
Batgirl because that stupid bitch had a hot parakeet named Charlie and a Batcave behind her vanity. Also she never punched anyone, just threw vases and kicked people so she wouldn't break a nail.
4. Let's say I was producing the movie of your life. Who would play you and who would direct?
Morgan Fairchild would play me because I am so fucking beautiful, and Patty Hearst would direct.
5. Who do you think you were in a past life and why?
Some stupid bitch once read my cards and told me I was a mountain person in Maine with like 17 kids and a St. Bernard. I personally think I was a Hollywood Wife that Jackie Collins would fucking write about.
5. What currently is your favorite song to masturbate to?
Twilight in Paris by Jem and the Holograms. It's sophisticated, like all my lovers
6. Ok back to this movie, I'm producing. Who will provide the soundtrack to your life?
Fucking Martika. Only she can understand the pain I've felt!
7. Who do you think is the most beautiful woman alive right this second?
Janice Pennington from the Price is Right.
8. Give me your prediction on the biggest comeback of 2005?
9. If the cast of The Surreal Life were stranded in a snowy mountain pass for a month in what order would Chyna eat them?
Well Chyna is practical, that's why she became the ninth wonder of the world. She'd eat Adrienne first. That's because Adrienne has no meat on her bones, and its all about rationing. Then she's kill Mini-Me because he's small and compact. Then she'd eat the Da Brat because she's so fucking irritating. Then she'd eat Jane Wiedlin and Markus Schenkenberg. She'd save Peter Brady for last because he's so fucking hot. She'd rape his ass then eat him!
10. Elvie (my chihuahua) and I were both just in a car accident. We both need kidneys to live and unfortunately you are the only match for us in the world. Who do you give your kidney to and why?
I wouldn't give my kidneys to either of you skanks, but if I was forced to I'd give them to Elvie because that whore would help me get hot men. I'd take you out because you are competition!
11. What advice did Jesus give you the last time you prayed?
12. Speaking of Jesus. You're walking down the tunnel of light, these are your last moments on earth, you will never return, what will you remember most?
Your fat ass!